5 Tips to Make Parenting Easier
So often conclusions are reached that particular children are a particular way. “She’s the pretty one and her brother is the athlete.” Or, “The oldest is the smart one, the youngest is the real beauty.” Once they are labeled a particular way, they tend to be viewed that way by so many, and they are taught to conform to those viewpoints. The problem is no child is just one thing, and by asking them to adhere to that one label, we are telling them that there is something lacking in their makeup. And, by asking them to be only a tiny portion of who they actually are, we are asking them to be somebody they are not.
And, for those children who don’t “fit in,” this is exacerbated. The conclusion is reached that they need to be taught how to behave so they can learn to function as if they were “normal” and “average” and just like everyone else. The problem is that they are not normal and average. My point of view is that by asking them to be normal and average, we are doing two things: We are telling them that there is something wrong with them, and we are asking them to become someone they are not.
So many of the parents I have known and worked with tell me they are frustrated – with the schools, with their kids, with their families, and, with themselves - for wanting the best for their kids, wanting their kids to be happy, recognizing that they are different, and, feeling at a loss as to how to help their kids … and themselves … have an easier go of life.
Here are 5 tips and tools you can use to create more ease for you, your child and your family:
TIP #1 Trust what you know about your child.
Acknowledge that you know your child in ways that no one else will ever know them – no teacher, no coach, no friend, no mentor. You do! If someone tells you something about your child that isn’t true or doesn’t read, don’t override your knowing in favor of what they are telling you.
If something that someone says or something you read or hear seems to not fit your situation, you can ask,
“Does this apply to my child?
Does this apply to me?”
You’ll know. Trust what you know. Don’t doubt yourself.
TIP #2 Stop judging.
Growing up, were you basically taught a set of rules about what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, what should be and shouldn’t be, what can be and what can’t? Have you tried to create your life – and the lives of your kids – based on those rules? How’s it working?
So … what’s a judgment? A judgment is a fixed point of view about something. It makes something right or wrong, good or bad, possible or impossible, doable or not doable. And, nothing that doesn’t match that judgment can enter your world. The idea that somehow, we have to “get it right” is one of the biggest lies we ever buy.
For every judgment you, or others, may have about you or your child, you can ask yourself, “Is this true?”
TIP #3 Be aware.
Being aware is being present with what is – not what others tell you should be that isn’t, not what you wish were true, not what could be – it’s being present with what is. It’s reading the cues accurately.
If your 5-year old child’s teacher (who was highly recommended by friends of yours) repeatedly dismisses your child, for example by refusing to look at drawings he made for her at home and brought to her at school, does she actually support your child? No! If she did, she would receive his drawings with delight. Being reluctant to or refusing to acknowledge what’s actually going on is a judgment. Acknowledging what’s going on is being aware. The difference between a judgment and an awareness is there is always an energetic – or emotional - charge with a judgment.
TIP #4 Be grateful.
Be grateful for your child and for you. Gratitude can only exist without judgment. If you don’t have gratitude, you have to judge. Yes, sometimes your child can be difficult. What if there’s nothing wrong with your child – no matter the behaviors, no matter the labels, no matter what the “experts” tell you, no matter what the relatives say. When you wake up in the morning, before you open your eyes, make a list of things about you, your child, your family, your situation that you are grateful for. Remember, anything that you focus on, that you spend energy and attention on, grows … whether it’s gratitude or judgment.
TIP #5 Ask questions.
When you find yourself stuck, don’t try to conclude anything. Ask a question instead! And, here’s the trick … if you know the answer before you ask the question, it’s not a question. It’s a statement with a question mark at the end. A real question empowers. An answer disempowers. A question is designed to give you awareness of what’s possible, without concluding or having an outcome in mind. Some of my favorite questions are:
What question can I ask that could change this?
What is this?
What’s my child really saying?
What’s a different way we could be with all this?
What’s one thing I could do today to begin to change this?
What’s really going on here?
What can I do to get around this?
What’s the most empowering thing I can do for me/for my child right now?
The more you trust yourself, the less you judge and the more questions you ask, the easier it is to be clear about what’s going on and to be present in whatever situation arises. The less emotional you are and the more clarity you have, the easier it is for you and for your child.
~ Anne Maxwell, LCSW, RPT-S~
