So often conclusions are reached that particular children are a particular way.  “She’s the pretty one and her brother is the athlete.”  Or, “The oldest is the smart one, the youngest is the real beauty.”  Once they are labeled a particular way, they tend to be viewed that way by so many, and they are taught to conform to those viewpoints.  The problem is no child is just one thing, and by asking them to adhere to that one label, we are telling them that there is something lacking in their makeup.  And, by asking them to be only a tiny portion of who they actually are, we are asking them to be somebody they are not.

And, for those children who don’t “fit in,” this is exacerbated.  The conclusion is reached that they need to be taught how to behave so they can learn to function as if they were “normal” and “average” and just like everyone else. The problem is that they are not normal and average. My point of view is that by asking them to be normal and average, we are doing two things:...

by Anne Maxwell, LCSW

Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. 
~ Albert Einstein

It has become clear to me, having worked as a psychotherapist for the past 25+ years with children, families and adults of all ages and kinds, that there are particular cultures of thinking or attitude in regard to the way people, and especially kids, should function.  Those that don’t function according to the rules and regulations in play around them are labeled with ‘disabilities,’ especially in educational and medical communities. 

Autism is one such definition.

I have a different way of viewing people who have been labeled with autism, and, 10 years ago, when I discovered the tools of Access Consciousness®, my practice changed, as did the children and adults I was working with... more ease, longer-lasting change, happier families.

Some questions I was invited to ask immediately were,

• What if there’
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“Can you help me?  My son needs to be in some therapy, like a therapy group.  Can you recommend one for him?”

I was at the bank, and my favorite banker was doing some last-minute paperwork for me, before my move to another state.  She knows I have worked as a child and family therapist for years, and, was lamenting the fact that I would be moving my practice out of state.

“How old is he?”  I asked.

“Eighteen months!” 

“What’s up?  What’s going on that makes you look for therapy for him?”  I asked.

She looked worried and slightly embarrassed. 

“He won’t sleep by himself, and I’m exhausted.  I stay in his bed until he falls asleep, and usually, when I get up, he wakes up and cries.  If he doesn’t wake up then, he wakes up at two in the morning, screaming and crying for me.  He’s a mama’s boy and he’s mad at me a lot of the time.” 

I smiled at her.  She took a deep breath. 

“His dad hates me and is mean and yells at me when I drop him off or pick him up.  He started having to have...

 What are children saying when they “act out”? 

A mom brought her five year old son to see me.  He had been getting into trouble at school and was difficult at home.  They sat on the sofa  … he couldn’t keep his hands off her and she was clearly irritated.   

At one point, I asked him:  “What do you know?”  He sat bolt upright and appeared to stop breathing.  His eyes locked into mine.  He said:  “Mikey (her boyfriend) is going to move in with us, and then he’s going to leave and Mommy’s going to cry.”  She burst into tears.  

A week later she called to tell me that his “naughty” behaviors had all but disappeared, and, that she had broken up with her boyfriend! 

Tool:   Ask a question! 

The next time your child gets into trouble … for example, at school, rather than try to figure it out, ask him:  What is that?  What do you know about your teacher?  What do you know about those kids?  … and, what else do you know?  And, what else? …  Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen!...

I had a skype session recently with a 7-year old boy and his father.  The boy had been getting into trouble at school and at home, and his dad was at his wits’ end!  He didn’t know what to do anymore. He was exhausted.

The two of them were together in a room, sitting in chairs next to each other, behind a table. Or rather, the Dad was sitting upright in his chair and the boy was upside down in his … legs and feet waving in the air, head nowhere to be seen!  The Dad said to him in a part-stern part-begging voice … “Joey, you need to sit up … you’re not being polite.”

I quickly reassured the Dad that it was fine with me for his son to choose how to sit in the session. His dad looked relieved.  A little arm appeared and waved at me!

I asked Dad what was going on, and, as he told me about his son’s behaviors, the legs and arm continued to flail in the air.

Then, I asked the boy if I could ask him a question.  From under the table came a muffled “yes!”

“What do you know about your D...