Narcissism … what is it?

In Greek mythology, Narcissus was the son of the river god Cephissus and the nymph, Liriope.  He was a hunter and was known for his beauty. His mother was told by a seer that he would live a long life, provided he never saw his reflection.  (In ancient Greece there was a superstition that it was unlucky or fatal to see oneself.)  He incurred the wrath of the gods when he rejected the love of a nymph, Echo. So, instead of living a long life, he fell in love with his own image in the waters of a spring and pined away (some stories say he killed himself). The flower that sprang up where he died has his name.  Echo, who had been hopelessly in love with Narcissus, faded away until all that was left of her was her voice.

I’m doing this because I love you.

You’re making me look bad.

It’s your fault that I said what I said.  You made me angry.

Why did you say ______ (when you didn’t)?  That wasn’t very nice.

I care so much about you and I know you can be so much greater. You need to listen to me.  That’s why I’m being intense with you!

Ring any bells? 

Blatant narcissists are relatively easy to spot.  They are self-absorbed, self-involved, arrogant, disinterested in anyone but themselves.  They are the loud-mouthed buffoons who won’t stop talking and whose energy is all about, “Look at me … aren’t I great?” 

There is another kind, a more “sophisticated” kind, that is not always easy to spot.  They appear to others to have amazing qualities, and yet with you, there’s nothing you can be, do or say that’s good enough.  And the confusing part is that sometimes they acknowledge you and appear to be kind … however, it’s usually only when their kindness to you makes them look good.

A 15-year old boy, Joey, who played soccer and was one of his team’s star scorers told me that when his stepdad started coaching the team, everything changed.  Joey said his stepdad was well liked by other parents, and enthusiastic about coaching.  He said that his stepdad would cheer him on while he was on the field, but in private would say what a shame it was that he wasn’t playing better.  Then the criticisms came during practices and games.  Joey stopped scoring as many goals as he had.  He told his mom he didn’t want to play anymore, that it wasn’t fun.  His stepdad exploded in anger: “After all I’ve done for you, the least you could be is grateful.  I’m coaching the team to help you.”  Joey said he felt guilty about how bad his mom felt, and for quitting the team.  He wondered if maybe he had made too much of nothing. 

Do you ever feel confused by how people behave towards you and what they tell you?  Do you blame yourself for the confusion?  Do you trust what you know to be true, or do you doubt yourself?  Do you feel guilty about what other people say and do?  Is there anyone in your life who appears to be amazing to everyone else, and yet this person always blames you in private?

Some tips for dealing with situations like this, and things to consider:

• It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
• Is there something you are looking to them to fulfill in you, that you think is lacking in you, that you are not giving to yourself?
• Ask yourself, “Is this really true?” Trust yourself. Trust what you know about you.
• In the face of all this, choose to be happy! Laugh a lot! Do things you love to do! Spend time with people with whom you can relax and be yourself.
• Don’t take the bait!

Just know, it’s not personal … it never is, even though it may feel like it in the moment. 

You do have other choices that Echo didn’t make, and they all begin with you!